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HEL SCANS
[Translator – Jjsecus]
[Proofreader – Gun]
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Chapter 35 – Taxpayer II
4
“Oh! You’re Doctor Jang! I’ve heard about you here and there. I apologize for not recognizing you earlier.”
As they exchanged pleasantries, Lee Jooho’s wariness melted away like the warm spring sun.
This is why people should do good deeds and build up their reputation. Even when meeting someone for the first time, you get a natural +20% affinity buff. Why not accumulate some virtue?
“Oh, don’t worry. It’s all just formality. Thank you for your kind words.”
“Haha. Our guild is relatively small, so we were only at the level of the second or even third tier in the Ten Clans subjugation. I’ve only seen you from afar. Oh, if it’s not too much trouble, could you please sign here?”
“Oh dear, I’m not a celebrity, so I feel a bit embarrassed.”
Despite saying that, I smoothly took out a pen from my pocket and popped off the cap. It wasn’t exactly a ceremonial gesture, but I always carry a pen because I often get asked for signatures.
Doctor Jang.
I wrote the three characters in a flowing style.
It was calligraphy imbued with the essence of a regressor’s life. As soon as he saw my signature, Lee Jooho’s eyes widened.
“Wow, your handwriting… it’s really impressive.”
“Thank you. I learned calligraphy just for the fun of seeing reactions like yours.”
“Huh? Oh, I see. Haha.”
A seasoned regressor learns specialized ice-breaking techniques tailored to different personality types.
In truth, there weren’t many people on the Korean Peninsula whom I couldn’t get along with if I set my mind to it (except for those rare cases like Noh Doha, who was a dumpster fire of mistrust, hatred, malice, and contempt towards the world).
In less than five minutes, Lee Jooho and I formed a rapport.
“Oh, so… Senior, did you intentionally come here after seeing the post I made on SGNet?”
“Yes.”
“Wow, I feel so embarrassed…”
Sure enough, the anonymous member who wrote the verification post turned out to be Lee Jooho.
During the time when Sim Aryeon insulted his father, around the 50th run, Lee Jooho used the nickname ‘JustJoined’ on SGNet.
In his first post back then, Lee Jooho wrote something like this:
– I usually operate anonymously, but I joined to make this post.
So, it meant that unless Sim Aryeon insulted his father in a run, Lee Jooho would continue to operate anonymously.
“What’s there to be embarrassed about? We’re on a mission to uncover the identity of this mysterious figure. If you’re okay with it, I’ll assist you, Mr. Lee Jooho.”
“No! Of course, it’s fine! If Senior Doctor Jang helps, it’ll be absolutely fantastic!”
The cheerful atmosphere between us only lasted until we reached the steep uphill leading to the Pochon Tax Office building.
“Hmm.”
“Um…”
The hesitant ‘hmm’ was from me, and the perplexed ‘um’ came from Lee Jooho.
Let me say it again.
The Tax Office building stood toweringly ahead.
Yeah.
Clean-cut, as if the end of the century had never arrived.
[Thank you for your diligent tax payment – Pochon Tax Office]
[May is the period for finalizing and reporting comprehensive income taxes. Reporting and payment period: May 1st to May 31st]
[Diligent tax payment, fair taxation! Creating a future together with taxes]
The surrounding buildings were nothing but ruins. In contrast, the Tax Office building had a pristine gray exterior, with banners hanging neatly from top to bottom without a single flaw.
“Mr. Lee Jooho, was that building always intact?”
“Excuse me? Oh, no, it wasn’t. Um, there was a big fire here not long ago. All the buildings collapsed then.”
Lee Jooho looked up at the building with unease.
“Huh. It definitely was like that…”
“Then the building itself must be void.”
Perception alteration with environmental manipulation. It was quite a high-level void.
Perhaps due to last night’s rain, the surface of the moistened building shimmered like insect shells.
And then it happened.
“Uwaaah!”
Someone rolled out of the building.
Both Lee Jooho and I reflexively drew our weapons, but the other person didn’t seem to pay attention to our armed state.
“My leg! Aaah! Help me!”
Because he was missing a leg on his right side.
As the man tumbled out of the entrance, blood splattered in all directions.
Lee Jooho furrowed his eyebrows.
“Park Sanghyun?”
“Do you know him, Jooho?”
“Um, yes, well… He’s not an Awakened, but he’s been wandering around this area like a thug, intimidating the neighborhood adults. Senior Jang, you don’t need to remember him.”
From Lee Jooho’s tone, you could sense his disdain for such individuals.
“It’s surprising that someone like him is still alive.”
“He’s the son of the former guild leader who passed away. So, it’s awkward for our guild to treat him like a complete stranger…”
Because of family ties.
“Lee Jooho! Mr. Jooho!”
The other person seemed to notice us and waved urgently. Hmm. Since Shanks lost an arm, that person must be a lower-body Shanks.
“Please help me!”
“Hmm. What’s going on?”
“Suddenly, a building appeared, so I went inside… It’s insane in there! Ugh, no, please just save me for now! My head is spinning…”
Clank-
A strange noise echoed from the entrance of the building. The man known as Park Sanghyun froze, his whole body tense.
“Oh, they’re coming! Hey! Quickly! Save me!”
The noise was akin to metal clanging. If expressed with onomatopoeia, it was close to ‘clank clank’ or ‘clunk clunk’.
From inside the Tax Office building, beyond the entrance hole, came the clanking sound. It was getting closer.
“What, what are you doing? I said save me! Hey! Lee Jooho! If I die, Mr. Dongwook won’t just let it slide!”
I glanced at Lee Jooho.
“Do you not want to help?”
“…He was a bit of a troublemaker even within the guild. If he’s eaten by the monster, it wouldn’t tarnish our guild’s reputation.”
Finally, the clanking noise approached right behind Park Sanghyun. He screamed and somehow managed to crawl frantically in a fetal position.
But he didn’t get far before his ankle was grabbed, and he was pulled back with a jerk.
“Aaaah! No, stop! I don’t want this! Save me! Aaah, no-”
Park Sanghyun’s body was dragged into the building’s mouth in an instant. It was over in the blink of an eye.
For a while, screams echoed down the corridor, but it didn’t last long. About a minute passed. Everything fell silent.
“Do you still intend to go in there?”
“Hmm…”
Lee Jooho’s expression deepened.
But there was no need to ponder for long.
The screams stopped, and shortly after, someone walked out of the Tax Office building.
-Hello. Are you here to file your taxes?
“…..”
“…..”
The reason we couldn’t immediately answer the person’s question was several-fold.
First, it was obvious that someone emerging from the abnormal void of the building couldn’t be normal.
Second, although the figure superficially resembled a human and was dressed neatly like a receptionist, their two legs were somehow completely violating regulations.
Not exaggerating, their hair was as disheveled as a landslide, falling down past their hips, covering not just their face but their upper body as well. Through the tangled mess of hair, their voice trickled out.
But my inner Confucianism snob cried out ‘Stop!’ at the thought of just brushing off even that person’s hairstyle as a matter of personal preference.
Moreover, with the constant shaking of their head from side to side, wouldn’t that wild mess of hair be swaying like a seesaw? Nowadays, it seemed that civil servants listened to heavy metal music during working hours.
Thirdly, and most importantly… Even though this ‘something that looked like a civil servant’ was holding a 30cm-long pair of scissors in their right hand.
Clank clank clank-
The source of the strange noise we had been hearing was indeed those scissors. With each movement of the blades, splatters of blood flew out.
It was truly a shocking sight.
Even if the ‘civil servant’ standing before us normally enjoyed gardening, it didn’t seem likely that bringing scissors to work would be tolerated under civil service regulations. According to Article 8-2 of the “Republic of Korea Civil Servants Duty Regulations” (Dress and Appearance), it explicitly stated, ‘① Civil servants must maintain a neat appearance during work hours.’
“Tax.”
The civil servant tilted their head. With each movement of their hair, an unbearable smell of gasoline wafted through the air.
“Are you here to file your taxes?”
“Uh, um…”
“Yes.”
In place of the hesitant Lee Jooho, I stepped forward.
“I received a text about comprehensive income tax and came here. Is this the Pochon Tax Office?”
“Yes. That’s right.”
The civil servant’s head twisted towards me.
“This month is the reporting period. Could you show me your ID card for identification?”
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HEL SCANS
[Translator – Jjsecus]
[Proofreader – Gun]
Join our Discord for release updates!
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What to do.
Taking out a sword and chopping off a monster’s head here would be easier than a ten-step bit. But the ‘Monster Response Manual: Punch First’ was only effective for Awakeneds like me.
No matter how powerful a country is, it’s impossible to deal with all the monsters in the world at once.
A ‘strategy’ only had meaning if it could be referenced by everyone, even those much weaker than me. Especially for monsters like this ‘comprehensive income tax monster,’ appearing nationwide.
“Mr. Jooho, it seems best to play along for now.”
“…Ah. Yes. Here it is.”
Lee Jooho hesitated before pulling out his ID card from his worn-out Hermes leather wallet. Since he didn’t seem to have a preference for luxury items, it was probably a family heirloom.
“Thank you. I’ll quickly verify your ID card.”
The civil servant took the ID card and disappeared it into their hair.
Crackle-
A rustling noise came from the other side of the curtain-like hair. Maybe you could hear that sound if they were biting the ID card with their front teeth.
“…No, my ID…”
-Confirmed. 26 years old. Mr. Lee Jooho. You’re a resident of Pocheon. Your income seems quite low. So, the total tax you need to pay today, including body tax and slave tax, amounts to 100 grams.
“A hundred grams?”
Ah.
Indeed, this type of monster.
-We can also proceed with tax payment on your behalf, Mr. Lee Jooho. Would you like us to do that?
“Well, um, I’m not sure what’s going on…”
“Wait. Hold on.”
I grabbed Lee Jooho’s shoulder.
“Yes?”
“When monsters offer deals, you can’t just nod along obediently. Did you see that guy, Park Sanghyun, earlier?”
“Yes? Ah, yes.”
“He was probably collecting taxes.”
“…?”
“Mr. Jooho, your tax came out to be 100 grams, right? What if it was 50 kilograms?”
“…!”
Lee Jooho’s eyes widened.
“Um, then? What about me?”
“Yes. Most likely, the tax this ‘comprehensive income tax monster’ is talking about must be paid with a part of the human body. Even though 100 grams may seem small, depending on which part of the body it’s from, it could make a huge difference. What if they take an eyeball?”
“Wow…”
“As you can see, I’m an expert on monsters. Leave this to me.”
I took out a plastic bag and tied a knot with my finger.
“And let me ask you this… Mr. Jooho, you’re not particularly concerned about your hairstyle, are you?”
“…What?”
A moment later.
Lee Jooho’s already short hair evolved into a mini-mountain. Inside the white plastic bag lay a grim sight.
Lee Jooho was dismayed.
“Aaaah…”
“Hmm. This is quite a bit short of 100 grams. Take this, and come back after urinating for a bit.”
“…Senior, you’re quite something.”
Why? What’s the point of feeling embarrassed and useless when dealing with monsters.
Anyway, Lee Jooho managed to fill the plastic bag with all his might.
The civil servant received the plastic bag from Lee Jooho.
-Tax payment confirmed.
“…”
-We earnestly request your continued participation in diligent tax payments. Thank you.
The civil servant bowed slightly and returned to the tax office building.
Lee Jooho looked at me, his expression asking, ‘Is this really happening?’
I smiled warmly.
“To be honest, if it wasn’t for the urine or saliva, I was considering cutting off a few fingers to make up for it…”
Well, since it happened, it’s sort of a happy ending, isn’t it?
There’s an epilogue.
-Anonymous: Isn’t this the Comprehensive Income Tax Monster? LOL
When I returned to Seoul, I found that Lee Jooho had started posting follow-up stories on SGnet.
-Anonymous: When you say you’ll report comprehensive income tax, a freak with long hair suddenly appears and asks for your ID. If you just give it to him, he’ll calculate the tax for you. I wonder what happens to those who lost their IDs…
-Anonymous: Mine came out to be 100 grams, so I immediately shaved my head and peed in a plastic bag to hand it over. Then, that stupid ghost happily left. LOL
-Anonymous: From my perspective, if you get an alert about comprehensive income tax, don’t ignore it. Just run to the tax office right away and ask how much your tax is. If it’s around 100 grams, just pay it right then and there. But if it’s something like 50 kilograms, collect urine in a big trash can until May 31st. Then, you might be able to bypass the monster easily…
-Anonymous: Anyway, everyone, don’t be scared and pay your taxes diligently. LOL
“Hmm.”
As requested, the post also contained effective strategies to defeat the ‘Comprehensive Income Tax Monster’.
Other members were amazed.
-Anonymous: Wait, they actually came back in one piece…?
Since then, there was a flood of certification posts on SGnet where members returned after paying their taxes at their local tax offices.
-GoryeoGeneral: I got taxed 300 kilograms. Anyone got higher than me?
-LiteratureGirl: 10 kilograms would be the average on SGnet, right?
-Anonymous: Damn, they told me to pay 500 kilograms in taxes. What do I do?
-[Satisfied] CookingQueenBee: I received a tax refund this time. The civil servant gave me a box as a gift, but I wonder what’s inside?
It became somewhat of a tax challenge, with a subtle competition emerging about who got taxed the heaviest.
It could be seen as a rare case where the monster became a kind of toy.
In the end, it was impossible to determine the criteria the Comprehensive Income Tax Monster used to calculate taxes. The current situation, where taxes were paid to monsters instead of the human government, was quite amusing…
‘Well, it’s just the way things are.’
With a much lighter heart, I headed to the tax office myself.
Originally, when a large void erupted in Seoul, all the buildings south of the Han River disappeared. However, every May, limited to that time, the tax office building inexplicably appeared, only to vanish again by June.
Admiring their determination to somehow devour taxpayers’ money, I visited the Banpo Tax Office, where the same scissor-wielding ghost with messy hair as the Pocheon Tax Office appeared.
“Hello. Can you please show me your ID for identification?”
“Yes, here it is.”
“Thank you. Let me check your ID for a moment. Twenty…”
There was a pause.
The ghost, which had been gnawing on my ID, suddenly stopped moving. Then, it began trembling all over.
“…?”
“Twenty, ten, twenty-six, twenty-seven, eight, nine, sixteen, twenty-four, ten thousand, one hundred, two hundred, shovels, seven-seven-seven-seven, seven-seven-seven, four hundred, five hundred and seventeen.”
Boom!
The ghost’s body rapidly inflated and then exploded, spewing black bodily fluids in all directions. It literally exploded like a balloon.
“…”
I picked up my ID, which had fallen to the ground, and put it back in my wallet. As I straightened up, I noticed that the Banpo Tax Office building had vanished like an illusion. I was left alone in the empty field.
“Hmm.”
…It seemed that the day I, a doctor, would pay taxes was not coming anytime soon.
– Taxpayer. End.
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HEL SCANS
[Translator – Jjsecus]
[Proofreader – Gun]
Join our Discord for release updates!
https://discord.com/invite/dbdMDhzWa2
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